if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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