She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
