Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
