Umm I'm too high to move.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
