bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
