Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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