The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
