thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
