he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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