im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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