Will you blow on my dice?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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