I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
