I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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