So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I FOUND THE LEGS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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