What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
