I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
