I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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