she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
