he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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