It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
