Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
