i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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