In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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