i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
