I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
