I wish I could punch you in the face.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
