If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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