ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
