My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
