Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
