I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
