the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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