having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
