You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
