Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
