Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
