Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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