he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
