Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize