dude i'm inner monologue high
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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