we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
