I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
