How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
