You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
