The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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