So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
