Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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