i think i have two assholes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
