@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
