Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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