just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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