If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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