3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There's always time for handjobs
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
how does that bad decision feel?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
