I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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