She's JV to your varsity
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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