I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
