Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
where are my eyebrows?
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