I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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