youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
