Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
