I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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