HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
